A Liberal Fart

I'm nearing the end of my undergraduate degree at a liberal arts college. Perhaps I've been watching too much of The Office, perhaps a recent bout of poor health and family death has gifted me with a visionary veneer of gloom, perhaps I feel I've paid too much and have received too little from my soon-to-be alma mater. Senioritis mixed with 'get me the hell out of here' mixed with 'what am I supposed to do now' makes for indigestion, continual bad dreams, and the feeling that, well, I just don't know how much I've really learned. Or at least, I don't know if it was worth as much as I paid for it, and not just in money.

I've learned a lot about social politics, about bureaucracy, about the toll too little sleep and too much Harold Bloom can take on a person. Nearing the end of life-long academic jaunt has left me feeling disorganized, unsure, and unimaginative. I've been in school for so long that all I can think of doing next is staying in school. Owning a small business or working in an office or traveling somewhere and teaching all seem unreachable for me in some tangible, practical way. I feel unprepared to perform normal 'real person' jobs, but fulfilling my stereotypical destiny as a upper middle class white kid from the suburbs, I'm disappointed that I haven't become Lady Gaga overnight.

Is it my dissatisfying liberal arts education that has left me hungry for more, or the continually reinforced unrealistic expectations of what cultural God I can be when I grow up?

Let's be realistic, here. Can I really grow up to be a country singer or an astronaut or a world-class musician? The vast majority of people who may start out as energetic passionate children ready to take on the world become office drones who hate their lives and whose sole excitements every week are their favorite TV programs.

Is this pessimism, or realism? I feel tentative, nostalgic for a time when I really believed I could do anything in the real world, when I didn't even know the concept of "settling" even existed. Is there a word for that other than naivete or stupidity? Perhaps my peers know how I feel - as if I'm so deadened by an academic process meant to engage and impassion students that I can't even remember what I wanted to do with my life.

When I searched for recent articles about the job market on CNN.com, I found an article entitled "How to Make Any Job Better", featuring a picture of coworkers drinking beer. The article also led me to Oprah.com, where I could take a variety of career aptitude quizzes (like the ones you take in junior high) and articles about the meaning of my life (like the ones a 'life coach' gives you).

It's not exactly that I've lost hope. I guess I feel like I've been tricked, duped. Everyone faces obstacles, so I really can't put the blame on my over-restrictive but well-meaning parents, or frequent serious illness. Countless others have come to this place before me. So what's the truth here? Do answers lie in the arts? In consumerism? If I buy more shoes, will my papers be more coherent and intelligent? Perhaps I need to read more English Romantic Poetry, and watch more claymation and stop motion films, and revive my imagination. And buy a Snuggie.

I'm nearing graduation, and am afraid and despondent. Isn't this the opposite of how a graduate of a liberal arts college majoring in the humanities is supposed to feel? Or have I somehow fulfilled my calling?